Travel & Food Writer

So, I’m laying on the beach yesterday. Scratch that. I’m laying on the grassy knoll above the beach because the wind is blowing, and blowing sand is a bit like being pelted with small razors, particularly when it gets in one’s eye (which I’m thrilled to report, did happen. Twice). The beach is called Cronulla, which has taken me all morning of Google searching it to be able to spell correctly.  It’s pronounced Crunella—almost like Cruella—and it throws me off. It is a pretty place, much less crowded than Bondi.

Bondi:

Crunella.

Cruella.

Cronulla!:

Here’s the scene: I’m reading a book on the grassy knoll (The Liar’s Club by Mary Karr, which is much different from her book Lit, but still a book I feel I can learn to write from), and I decide to rest, when into my ears doth appear the most interesting conversation. At first, I try to block it out, but I quickly decide it’s one of those conversations worth eavesdropping on. This proves difficult because of the wind, and the annoying tendency for people to not talk loudly enough for me to hear them at all times, but I feel I glean enough information to piece together the situation.

From what I can gather, these two persons, a man and woman in their upper 20s, early 30s, are on a first date. I glance at them periodically in a concealed fashion through my sunglasses—the guy is blonde, with weird attempt to take an “adult” hair cut and turn it into a miniature fauxhock, and he’s a rather lanky dude with protruding lips. The girl, who never once turned to face me, had a nice blonde ponytail and sweet sounding, but quiet, voice. It did not matter the volume of her voice, however, because Lanky Man did all of the talking.

He seemed to be talking about a lot of other women, how they sort of chase after him, in what I believe was an embellished account meant to impress this girl—you know, let her know he’s quite a catch. It’s similar to the philosophy George (from Seinfeld) employed when he wore a wedding ring to attract other women. Having seen this guy, I understand why he might want to encourage the belief that he is, in fact, popular with women who are, say, younger than his grandmother. It was a bit over-the-top, but still better than his lengthy discussion of exes.

(Call me crazy, but there comes a point on a first date where one should stop discussing all the details of one’s past relationships, especially when it gets to the point of facebook stalking and the discovery that the girlfriend has been cheating on you with your friend or roommate. Too much, dude.)

Back to his “women just surround me” type stories. Not surprisingly, they end up taking us to America (darn Americans are suckers for the Aussie accent). He began to discuss the way Americans speak, and at this I really tried harder to listen. I was preparing to feel insulted, but I think the gist of it was American men have deeper voices than Australians. He believes it’s because they speak from their stomachs, and I find this observation both interesting and peculiar.

Also, he has a pick up line (which he repeated over and over in his stories, and the proceeded to ask the girl he was on a date with): “So what’s your story?”*

*for Friends fans, think of Joey saying, “how you doin?”

Then he went back to how he was facebook stalking one of his exes, whom he found out is going on a solo trip to Thailand (holla!), and he says something that indicates to the girl, “well you know so-and-so from my facebook profile, Jesse.”**

**It is my conclusion that this date took place after meeting in an online connection

Jesse is nicknamed, “The Hot Scot.” A tornado siren may as well have gone off to alert me to pay attention. Scot? SCOT? Like, Scotland??

Jesse is his hot Scottish friend for whom scads of women just flock to. Wherever he goes, he attracts a following. “He’s just so friendly, you know?” Unfortunately (for them, and me) he has a girlfriend. And Lanky attests that even though he’s friendly to everyone who comes up to talk to him, it never amounts to anything. A loyal boyfriend, even while visiting the States? It’s as wonderful as it is depressing.

Lanky went on for some time about the wonderful characteristics of Jesse, and concluded by saying he (Lanky) has or will be visiting Scotland soon (I’m so envious!). His remark about Jesse, and Scottish men in general, is that they are “SUCH gentlemen, really upstanding guys.”

And that, my friends, is straight from an Aussie’s mouth.

Straight from a straight Aussie’s mouth.

I rest my case on Scotsmen.