Travel & Food Writer

They warned me (they being the various echoes inside my head) that Black Swan was a psychological thriller, that it was “dark and twisted.” Even though I have immense fear of horror films, this was not a horror film and HELLOOOO there are swans and ballet involved. So yeah, I can totally do dark and twisted.

Correction: I am a big chicken pansy (a domesticated fowl covered in petals) and was literally shrinking in my seat with each creepy self-destructive, I’m-going-to-peel-my-own-skin-off, scene and/or any appearance by the mother. I actually welcomed the love scenes (natalie with hand/natalie with mila kunis) until the creepy slasher sound interrupted the moment. Don’t get me wrong…I understood and appreciated the premise (“it’s like method acting but with ballet and schizophrenia”), knowing as soon as Natalie passed herself on the train station that she was going to transform from Ms. I-wear-a-white-feather-boa to Ms. I-wear-black-leather-and-eat-my-own-soul, but that didn’t make it easier to endure without wanting to vomit. At least I didn’t scream (to my knowledge).

The worst thing about these kinds of movies is that they evoke this kind of “could that happen to me?” feeling, and I just keep picturing the most disturbing images over and over again. Clearly, that’s how insanity is born.

The next day, after I made it through the night without waking up in a cold sweat, I went to see No Strings Attached. Even though I was skeptical at first, I feel that watching this movie redeemed Natalie, not in her credibility as an actress, but as a human being. Look at how fresh and happy she looks:

It was a totally romantic, girly, this would NEVER EVER EVER happen in real life kind of movie, but I left the theatre with that annoyed happy feeling (sigh. the girl gets the guy and everyone’s in love. eye roll), but that was better than having the urge to hide in a corner and rock back and forth until the darkness goes away. No Strings actually wasn’t THAT cheesy, and had some particularly funny and sweet (gag, yes, I said sweet) moments. But, I will never think of the Leonna Lewis song, “Bleeding Love” in the same way again.

This week my teacher and I were discussing my thesis and she said that I kind of reminded her of Natalie Portman (obviously, I am the black swan)–that in the movie version of my life, she thought Natalie Portman should play me. I totally dig that. We’ve got the petite Jewish thing going on, although I must say, she can pull of the shaved head look better than I think I would.

I guess she’s making her comeback, given all the other movies I saw attractions for. Someone theorized it was because she anticipated getting pregnant, so she wanted to make some money before she doubled in size and wasn’t able to work for a while. Makes sense. I give her kudos, though. She’s a versatile actress and can be quite charming when she’s not ripping off her own flesh.

I really hope she’ll play me someday *crosses fingers*

(screenplay pending)