Flashback Friday: Traveling with Virgins

The title is a bit of a misnomer*.

 

*particularly because at the time I wrote this, I actually thought it was Friday.

 

I was referencing Virgin Australia Airlines, which is the airline I flew while traveling from Australia to New Zealand. For some reason–likely one of quality–I drafted this blog and never published it. Seeing as I left my last blog unfinished with the promise of writing more, and since I’m preparing myself for bed**, I figured I might as well blog about something completely unrelated, and do so hastily.

 

**I was actually in pajamas at 7:30pm, which was a sad revelation for the mom downstairs.

“What are you doing home? It’s a Saturday night!”

“I’m tired?”

“You loser!” she said, jokingly, but I think she was seriously concerned about my social life.

 

Basically, the following is a transcription of the carry-on baggage policy for Virgin Australia. I decided to look into their carry-on requirements because they charge for checking in bags, and I was hoping I could get out of paying a fee. The answer, ultimately, was no.

 

Please note: I am amused by their formal tone in spite of what they’re saying. For example, they manage to use the word “nappies” in all seriousness, and their punctuation is very grave. For example (paraphrased): “If you try to carry on a bag that’s too big, you will be notified that you are in violation of the aforementioned codes and are stupid, and will be charged a fee.”

 

Please note: They enjoy using “please notes”

 

Carry-on Baggage

What is allowed: 

• Two pieces that do not exceed dimensions of 48cm X 34cm X 23cm each, or
• One small bag or briefcase, plus one non-rigid suit pack or garment bag

Please note: the total weight of each combination must not exceed 7kg

 

1. The term “non-rigid” makes me think of a lobster, because lobsters have exoskeletons and exoskeletons are rigid.

2. The total weight of the COMBINATION is not to exceed 7kg. That’s a measly 15 pounds. The only good thing about kilograms is stepping on a scale for the first time and not understanding the conversion.

 

In addition to the carry-on baggage allowance, one of the following personal items may be carried in the cabin:

• A laptop computer, handbag, pocketbook or purse (of reasonable size) 
• A wrap, a blanket, or an overcoat
• An umbrella without metal points, or a walking stick
• A small camera or a pair of binoculars
• A reasonable amount of reading matter 
• A pair of crutches or prosthetic devices for use, provided the guest is dependent on them for mobility

So. Many. Sarcastic. Remarks!

1. If you can fit your dog inside your purse, it’s not “of reasonable size.”

2. When I think of overcoats, I think of old men flashing people. And when I hear “wrap” I think of something made of burlap.

 

 

3. The umbrella thing makes sense, because umbrellas that have metal points are used as walking sticks by old men wearing overcoats.

4. Every flight could be improved with a pair of binoculars. I’m glad this is allowed.

5. I’m wondering what they hope to prevent by restricting the amount of reading material.

 

 

p.s. I would definitely fail this specification.

6. It’s a sad state of affairs when prothetic devices are considered carry-on allowances.

 

Guests traveling with infants may carry-on an extra bag containing articles for use in the cabin such as nappies and baby food.

Please note: A laptop in a thin satchel-style laptop bag is considered to be a personal item. A laptop in a larger laptop bag will be counted as part of a guest’s carry-on allowance.

Please Note: The only item that can occupy a seat (apart from a guest) is a cello. Guests planning to travel with a cello should call the Guest Contact Centre to book an extra seat. 

Please Note: If a guest’s carry-on baggage is greater than the allowance stipulated above, they will be advised at the gate that their bag is too large for the cabin, and will be charged a fee.

 

A CELLO! I want to sit next to a cello!

Also, I taught a kid named Satchel. (Prior to typing that, I was going to say I really like the word satchel, but now I feel weird about it.)

 

Restrictions

[normal restrictions are mentioned here regarding liquids, and what constitutes a liquid (including “food in sauce form”), but please note the final note]:

Please Note: All guests passing through an international security screening point will be subject to random and continuous frisk searches.

 

Continuous? That’s exciting.

 

I think the moral of this story is, fly Virgin Australia only if you have nothing to carry on except a cello.