A Tale of a Nalgene
I’ve been without my Nalgene for eleven days now, and I’m a pitiful case without it.
Anyone who has ever seen me—like, on a bus or at school or in a RESTAURANT (it’s rather embarrassing to realize I’ve walked into an establishment that serves food and drink, and I am still carrying my own 32-ounces of water, thankyouverymuch)—has seen me carry the pink Nalgene. It has traveled to New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Maine, Rhode Island, across ten states of this country to New Mexico, California, and to Scotland, Australia, New Zealand and Bali and back, and it has finally met its demise.
Nalgene? Meet the gym floor.
Technically, it was the gym floor bathroom. For some reason, I can’t manage opening a door and getting my keys out of my pocket simultaneously, and I dropped my water bottle on the ground.
NO BIG DEAL, I thought. I’ve dropped this thing from much greater heights and on more uneven surfaces in my day, but then it did this:
It shattered! The bottom FELL OFF.
My ex-boyfriend, who originally made me get a Nalgene to “save the environment” from my over-consumption of disposable plastic water bottles (dude, I’m prone to kidney stones, all right?), told me they came with a lifetime warranty.
That’s a warranty that lasts for one’s entire lifetime.
I believed this for seven years, until I just looked online and realized there is no such thing. EHow points this out under a big heading titled: MISCONCEPTIONS.
- The makers of Nalgene bottles will not send you a replacement or case of Nalgene bottles if you break one, according to the Scarlet & Black student newspaper at Grinnell College. This is a just a myth brought on by its perceived indestructibility.
- You can break Nalgene bottles, but only by placing them under undue stress, such as shooting them with a gun or running over them with a car. During normal use, Nalgene bottles should not break.
(“Hi, yes, I’d like you to replace my Nalgene.” “What happened?” “Well, the damn thing exploded when I shot it with my .22.”)
However, I did NOT know about the no-lifetime-warranty when I called them the other day—yes, that’s right—asking for my lifetime replacement. The kind lady on the other end said to email a picture of the damage and explain what happened and they’d be happy to send me another one.
So, my new Nalgene is on the way (hooray! Thank you blessed souls of Nalgene!), but in the meantime I’ve been suffering with two disposable 16-ounce water bottles. They’re flimsy, they become unbalanced after the third use, and I have to refill them every hour. I’ll probably contract meningitis before I get my replacement bottle because of the germs I’m sharing with myself.
Lesson: Nalgenes, though NOT indestructible, are the way to go. (RIP Pink Bottle)