I can summarize why I go to Chomp Kitchen and Drinks in Warren, RI in one sentence:
THEIR FOOD IS LIKE CRACK COCAINE.
I’m not even a burger person*, but I want to eat there every night. I went once on a Sunday, and for the rest of the week, all I did was daydream about going back. This is a true sign of addiction.
*unless they’re free, in which case I’ll go to unfathomable lengths to eat them.
Maybe it’s their made-from-scratch everything. Or the fact that the owner is present and awesome; the bartenders are talented; the waitresses are knowledgeable; everyone is friendly; the food is DELICIOUS. What more could you ask for?
The point is, in order for me to be a repeat customer in a restaurant thats main menu item is a burger, it has to be sacrifice-your-firstborn good. And Chomp is just that.
Before leaving for Greece, I learned Chomp was hosting an “Attack the Stack” challenge: eat a three-story burger, write about it, and win a $100 gift card. I had only three days before I flew out of Rhode Island for a month-long journey, and I hadn’t packed or prepared for my trip in any way, but nothing was stopping me from going to Chomp in order to enter this competition.
So, dear readers, here is my entry.
Jenny’s “How To” Guide for Attacking the Stack
All the knowledge and preparation I needed before Attacking The Stack came from watching the show Friends**. In this instance, I followed the wisdom of Joey Tribianni (a phrase that has never been uttered before) because he has perfected the art of eating. As he admitted, “the Tribianni’s may not be great thinkers or world leaders…but dammit they can eat!”
**I learn all things from Friends.
In the episode, “The One With The Rumor,” Joey has to eat a 19-pound turkey for Thanksgiving. Since I had to eat The Stack 3.0, I thought it’d be a comparable challenge.
The Stack: a custom beef patty with American cheese, maple bourbon fried chicken, smoked gouda, smokey beef and pork patty, pickled jalapenos, pepper jack cheese, ranch, lettuce, tomato, pickles.
Here are the steps I followed.
Step 1: Stretch
When Joey arrives to dinner eating potato chips, Monica freaks out because she thinks he’s going to ruin his appetite. Joey responds by saying, “Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin’ chips is like stretching.”
Therefore, in preparation for this challenge, I ate burgers for the entire month of May. Thanks to the fortuitous timing of the RI Food Fights Burger Blowout, I ate enough burgers to last me an entire year***, which allowed me to increase my stamina and warm up my stomach.
***actually, I ate six times as many burgers as I normally do in a year.
Step 2: Dress Accordingly
Wear loose-fitting clothes. Flow-y skirts, sweatpants, ponchos, etc.
Step 3: Remember this moment
The food comes out. Wafts of smoky cheese and campfires and maple reach your nose. You haven’t eaten yourself into a coma yet, so take photos while you’re still smiling, and before you’ve laid siege to the burger.
Step 4: Conquer
This is where Chomp has asked me to map out what I did, but it’s not a glamorous way of eating. I just smashed the burger into my face and started chewing.
Actually, I could not even hold the entire burger in my hands. I tried squishing it, but it was not to be squished.
So, I cut it in half, and then cut one half into small pieces–which, by the way, thanks to the phenomenon of volume and surface area, took up an entire plate–and made forkfuls of combinations with all of the burger ingredients. I still managed to get a little of everything in each bite.
Repeat with the other half, and viola! Domination.
As filling as this burger is–and it is filling–it’s full of high quality ingredients that won’t leave you wanting to die of shame and grease. After you catch a second wind, you may even want to go for fro-yo after. It’s a nice palate cleanser.
And that, my friends, is how you #AttackTheStack.
This is where I stray from The Joey Philosophy.
For those who are wary of the height and depth of The Stack, keep reading.
Step 5: Bring a college student
They’ll happily take your leftovers, and provide you with selfies.